What's Your Rating ?

It was a Friday evening, the day when Levis, Lee, Pepe and other brands float around in full glory. Raj bhai and I were hanging in Infy food court. Suddenly Raj bhai said – “TS - 10’ o clock. Red top – black jeans. An 8 pointer coming your way”. Just as I was gonna testify that statement, Raj bhai interrupted – “TS don’t look!! Woh yahin dekh rahi hai!!!”And within a split second, we went into ‘Ornithologist mode’ – Raj pointing into the sky and telling me – ‘See I told you, sparrow has two wings :)’. “What a startling discovery!!” – I thought.

As the ‘twister’ (that makes certain things twist :) had changed its ‘optical path’ now – so my testimony came– “Naah yaar, she’s not an 8 pointer. I mean with those baggie jeans with stars and frills – definitely not. But her friend looks quite graceful to me”. Raj – “C’mon yaar – You mean that cross breed of Oprah and Tyrannosaurus Rex. Are you joking! Your rating system needs an up- gradation man– Come out of the ‘Greh-shobha Gharelu Ank” and walk into the ‘Cosmopolitan Era’.

As the debate was heating up – Aniket’s call came as fresh spray of deodorant. “TS, Are you busy now? I need to show you something. My folks have forwarded me a ‘PICTURE’”- he said. I asked – “Shaadi.com? Is it ?”. Aniket could barely control his excitement – “Ya man. The final ‘attachment’ of my life has come :). Come fast”

In about 57 seconds I was sitting besides Aniket. The picture was un-wrapping fold by fold from his mailbox. So – There she was. Aniket asked– “Kaisi hai yaar?” I replied – “Haan, achi hai”. Aniket said – “ Haan, Achi toh hai, but how would you rate her on scale of 10 man”. I was baffled – “What kind of sick person are you? You want me to put a value on your future wife – Do I look like Mama Shakuni to you?” Aniket – “C’mon TS – Its universal rule man – Guys financial position is important and girl’s rating. Why are you over-reacting?. Was I over-reacting? Really? – I imagined if the ‘table’ was turned around.

Scene: Dining table overloaded with dry-fruits and sweets enough for ’The Great Khali’s’ dessert for one whole month. And we have Aniket and family sitting on one side and the girl’s side on other side. Aniket folk’s say-“Ji Ladki, kitni padhi-likhi hai?”

An elderly person from the girl’s side replied – “Ji woh toh baad kii baat hai. Yeh bataiye ki - Ladke kii rating kya hai?”. Aniket ‘s eyes split wide and mouth open – seemed as he was bowled over by Muralidharan’s doosra. The elderly person continued - “Isme itni hairaani kii kaun si baat hai. Hamari ladki 9 pointer hai. We even have proof for it. Fair and Lovely comes with a meter now – Jao Beti – Fairness meter le aao. Damaad ji kii rating karni hai.”

As Aniket’s family stood up because of the humiliation – Enters a middle-aged chain smoker who is ‘teaching’ the country nowdays that – The non-fair part of the society belongs to hideous and non-attractive category. With a ciggie fag on his lips he says – “Aniket – Don’t worry. Take this Fair and Handsome. And it comes with a fairness meter too. Aur fir yeh Sattar minutes... oops Yeh Chaar hafte tumse koi nahi cheen sakta. Ragad daalo yeh cream – aur fir dekho tumhaari rating, tumse khuda bhi nahi maang sakta. !!!”. And the room is filled with silence.

[Samaaj mein faili ek aur kureeti ko mitaane ke liye ek choti si pehel. Because i feel that words like – “Inner beauty” have become synonyms to – “Mother Teressa” or “World Peace” – which are used only by beauty pageant contestants to win the outer beauty titles. So, next time before you judge a person – Look into your inner self and your inner soul – And then decide – WHAT IS ‘YOUR’ RATING?]

The Third Occupant !

“♫... Manwanchit phal paawe , kasht mite tann ka...Om jai jadgish... ♪ ” – It was navraatri time and we were just finishing the aarti, when the vaanar-sena started howling at my door. “I have to go” – I said to my mother. “First finish the aarti then you can go” – she replied. So, after taking the ‘dhoop’ from the ‘Akhand Jyot’ (The one that burns for whole nine days of navraatri continuously and mummy has been keeping it since last 21 years on every navraatri) I left.

I opened the door; all my building kids were shouting and running around. “Bhaiya, jaldi chalo- Dandiya shuru hone wala hai” – said little Manpreet .His sister Gurpreet whispered from the back – “Bhaiya toh gunde lag rahe hain iss dress mein” And all of them started smiling .Actually I was wearing white kurta-paijaama with a big red tilak on my forehead. Suddenly weather-alarm start ringing in my head– “Fisherman refrain from going into the sea without proper nets and bait. Some ‘fishes’ might escape :)”.

So, I asked the kids to wait for 5 minutes as I have to make an ‘important official call’ .And, I came out dressed in blue jeans and white shirt...;) Me- “Lets go, baccha-party” ...As we were about to leave – little Gurpreet started humming the song “♫ Ishq hotaa nahi sabhi ke liye .... ♫”... And all of them went nuts hearing it and rolled on the floor laughing ...I also couldn’t control my smile ...“Bhaiya, Your imparted quick-wit lessons are backfiring on you” - said Manpreet. I had surrendered myself to the kids this time.

Just while getting down the stairs my cell started ringing and it showed “Kanghi Chor – Calling” (long story behind that name :) . I picked up – “Haan bol” ..(This is how cool guys say stuff like– Hi-How are you-I am fine –Thank you) . He said – “TS, I need my R.S.Aggarwal book right now. My brother’s campus interview is tomorrow” ... “Urgent hai kya?” – I asked ...”Haan yaar, abhi chaiye” – he replied. The kids were waiting for me downstairs. But this was also urgent -”Theek hai, mein aata hoon”

“Mummy, I’ll be back in 10 minutes. I m taking the bike” – I shouted while leaving the house.... “Beta, helmet le ke jaana” – said mummy- to which I replied “Hmmm” and left just like that! [When children start ‘hearing’ their parents instead of ‘listening’ to them- They are grown up!!!]

So I took off in a rush so as to return quickly to bang the sticks together asap. The street lights were dim and the road was in bad condition due to rains. At one of the turnings I still don’t know how it happened, but 10 seconds later – my shattered bike was lying in a road side trench and all my clothes were covered with blood. The bike had slipped in a big crater inside the road and I was dragged all along. Some nearby residing people came to help me. One murmured – “This spot is getting dangerous. Yesterday one biker also fell here. His thigh bone was fractured and got 9 stitches in his head”. Another one asked me - “Bhaiya , dekho zyada toh nahi lagi na ?”

I did a little MJ break-dance steps – “Bones- CHECKED” ... Next was (a3+b3) =(a+b)(a2 – ab + b2) – “Brain – CHECKED” :) ...Little relieved but I was bleeding profusely so I called my friend Ashu – “Yaar, mera chhota sa accident ho gaya hai ..Come at the chowk and get some money along”. Just afer that call, I got a call from home. It was mom – “Tu theek toh hai na?” She asked directly. I was taken aback for one second – I mean -Howcome? How!!?? ..But I replied – “Haan mein theek hoon , aata hoon 10 min mein”. So after the dressing was done - my friends took me home.

As mom saw me in that state, ‘lecture’ started :( .But I was still amazed by that phone call and asked mom for explanation. She took me to the pooja room. And she pointed towards the ‘Akhand Jyot’ – She showed me the black spots on the brass metallic diya caused due to sudden outburst of the flame and when she touched the diya to adjust the flame - it was ice-cold (And it was burning since last 7 days).I also touched the diya – It was still ice-cold and the chill shook my spine. My eyes went moist and I realised that all this while I thought only me and my mother stayed in our home. But I was mistaken - There was she – The Third occupant! Jai Maata Dii !