OMG !! She needs loving and caring !

From: AniketSrivastava.06xx@gmail.com

Subject: Kaisi hai tumhaari bhabhi?

1 Attachment (s): “Rating-8/10.jpg”

Message: “Check out her profile and let me know your take on it.” -Aniket.

This was the mail sent by Aniket to me. The attachment had the screen-shot of an orkut profile of a girl named Deepti Srivastava. Aniket had distinctly market her location with Red Oval (Four months of bench has made my friend the master of all sophisticated tools like – Paintbrush, Notepad and calculator :). As the matter had involved the usage of Paintbrush i knew Aniket was serious about her. So, as the investigation began – one line caught my attention & i replied to Aniket.

“Abort the mission and report to base. Roger that Soldier. We have got a broken arrow. I REPEAT – Extreme turbulence expected – Return to base NOW!!!”

Just one sec after i hit the “Send” button - “♫ .Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwaaaa toh nahiiiii .... ♫ – Oops my cell is ringing. Aniket was on the line – “Whats with this reply TS!!... Didnt u noticed -She is from Kanpur – so am I. She is also a ‘Kayastha’ Brahmin. She will be lucky to have me yaar!! “

“Kayashtha Brahmin - Is it? Really !! You are a ‘Kamina’ Brahmin!!! The person who can’t ‘go’ in the morning unless he sucks onto a cigarette butt. Who dips chicken pieces in whiskey before eating because you like ‘drunk-chicks’!! .And the paijaama-faad dance that you do when you achieve nirvana after drinking...” – My temper suddenly shot up.

Aniket - “TS plz rukk jaa yaar – Itni beizzati kaafi hai aaj ke liye. Tu toh dil pe le leta hai yaar. You know’ i love you’ man!!”

Aniket had used the “143 protocol” without being drunk. I could figure out he was getting senti.

“Acha problem kya hai yaar – woh bata tu mujhe?” – Asked Aniket

I replied - “Didn’t u noticed in her profile? Under Ideal match she has written “He should be loving and caring”

“Is there any problem with that?” – Asked Aniket

“Oh man!! You are a rookie – Let me explain it to you . Imagine – You are married to her. You are all ‘loving and caring’. Suddenly one fine (!!) day- You are in a shopping mall – You have got shopping bags in one hand. Pulling trolleys from the other hand. Little Teelu is hanging around your neck. And Teelu just had a ‘operation yellow storm’. :) You are fighting with the traumatizing winds of sulphur Teelu is creating. Meanwhile she is also in a big dilemma – she is not able to decide whether to buy ‘Recova’ or ‘Olay’ to cover her black goley(circles) :). Just then you notice- Teelu’s left shoe’s lace is open. You say – “Darling –Can u please look at Teelu’s shoe” . “Thud” ...”Thud”... (Noises of recova and Olay being hammered to the shelves)... As u see her approaching towards you – Teelu also lets his flood-gate open... And you are covered with nitrogenous nutrients now ...She shouts– “You couldn’t take care of one little thing. You are NOT that LOVING and CARING anymore!!!!” :)

[Pun and Sarcasm intended :) - Btw I m also looking out – And she should be loving and caring ;-)]

Throttling My failure

May 2004: 6 AM – (Phone ringing) I was in deep sleep but still picked up the phone. That was my father calling from Srinagar (as he was posted there). Papa: “Good Morning Beta, so aaj toh paper hai na?” Me (moaning and eyes closed):”Hmmm” Papa: “Taiyari poori hai na? “ Me: “Hmmm” Papa: “Chalo fir dhyan se paper karna. Bhagwaan ka naam leke baithana sab theek hoga” Me: “Hmmm” Papa: “Mummy hain toh, unhe phone dena” Me: “Hmmm” (After handing over the receiver to my mother who was standing besides my bed I slept again with all my body radars focussing towards that receiver just to hear anything I could) Papa: (perhaps asking about my preparation) Mummy: “Haanji, raat ko 2 baje tak computer pe toh laga hua tha. Mehnat toh kaafi kar raha hai. Baaki toh result bata hi dega” And I was thinking – “These new levels of Need-For-Speed are difficult man. Perhaps I need to practice more. I am not throttling the car well around the corners. I need to ‘study’ till 3 for better understanding of the ‘subject’ :)”... Well I was bitten by the Gaming bug that time. So, time passed- the exams were finally over and soon the results were out. AUG 2004: 6 PM (Phone Ringing) Unfortunately I received the call. It was dad. Papa: “Beta, Suna hai result aa gaya hai. Kaisa raha?” Me: “Papa, iss baar papers itne difficult aaye they. University ka result bahot down raha hai” Papa : “Beta, tum apna batao. First class toh aayi hai na” Me: “Papa, topper ke bhi bas 65% aaye hain. PP and Gautam ki bhi back aayi hai.” Papa (getting impatient): “Acha abb yeh batao, tum kitne subjects mein fail ho?” Me (with my heart thumping and ears getting red): “Ek down hai papa. Woh examiner hi itna kamina tha. Woh kisi ko pass nahi ....” Dad cut me short in between – “Waise percentage kitni hai. First class toh aayi hai na? Ya fir woh bhi nahi aayi” My heartbeats now could have broken that ECG needle or maybe overheated the entire OT. Me – “Papa, PASS class aayi hai” Papa – “What is that? Tell me the figures” Me- “49.9% hai papa, bas ek number kamm hai second class se. Next SEM ke baad easily bann jayegi second class.Woh mein sambhaal loonga.” (Felt like a king saying this sentence oh-so-proudly). After that call, President’s rule was implemented in the house. Home ministry complied with every instruction passed on by the centre. The poor-pitiable prisoner of war was given the books to conquer the mighty backlog-dictator. But this couldn’t go on for long. Same day 9PM: A kangaroo head just floated up by the window. That was my friend PP bhai. “TS, I have got CARBON” – PP was smiling, with gleaming eyes. (Very unlikely for a person who also got flunked today). “Kya baat kar raha hai!!! – Need For Speed – CARBON. Really? “– I asked. “You bet TS and guess what its Full version - With crack and multiplayer enabled. Ferrari – FZR 116 with God Mode Enabled” – PP seemed as if his 09 marks in practical were misprinted as 90 in his marksheet. But still, it was a grand occasion and the celebrations were mandatory. So, the lord sneaked out on his sister’s Lady BSA-SLR to drive the mighty 3000cc mean machine and declare his supremacy to this world.:)

Solution To Hairfall - Marriage !!

“Tensile strength should be divided with or multiplied with Young’s modulus-- keeping elasticity as variable ....Hmmm ..TS, You are too late for physics.!!! ?!?!” – This is what my mind was thinking when Sisodia Auntyji was sitting on the couch at my home. I was trying to calculate the time required by her to rupture the poor sofa apart. By the way, people who do not know Sisodia Auntyji – she is 56-54-56. I guess this description is ‘big’ enough.:)

My friend Vipin was there at my place too. So, as the conversation struck, Vipin consulted – “Auntyji, baal kaafi gir rahe hain aajkal. Koi upaay batao?”

“Beta,jaldi shaadi karlo warna problem ho jayegi. Abb toh halwaai ki kadhai chadwao aur shehnaai bajwaa do beta” – replied Auntyji !...."What the hell is happening – For all the bachelors – they have a common solution for all their problems" - Vipin mumbled to me. But as I think now, I found this answer quite relevant in what I see in my daily life.

Weekdays : 7AM - I am standing on the bus stop for the office bus to come, listening to the sweetest girl on the planet – RJ Gya on radio-one. And I see lot of young girls, jogging and doing brisk morning walk. All these r in 24-25 age group. The other category is of 50+ age oldies. The oldies I can understand are greasing and oiling their crank shafts. The young girls - Perhaps sitting on marriage time bomb so wanna be perfect before the D-day. But very less people in age group of 30-40!! My point is that after marriage, many of us don’t feel the need to be ‘visually lookable’ anymore – Baal gir rahe hain then what – i don’t need them anymore. They have already solved their purpose by getting me my wifey!!!

Future FLASH : Year 2035 – I m driving my Black Honda Accord - lost in thoughts , listening to a powerful, deeply-meaningful , soul-stirring song ...”Tak.tana.nana...Tandoori nights... Tandoori nights.... Tandoori nights...” :) ... Suddenly I m surrounded by Police cars all around me. Officer on the siren is shouting – “This is FIA (Fitness Investigative Agency) - TS get out of the car now. Put your hands on your head. You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent”. I came out of the car, with my shivering voice i asked– “What I have done officer?”... Officer Smith-“You have been charged for developing that XXXL sized bean bag on your tummy.” ... Suddenly my face lits up with a wicked smile ...I burst with laughter - “Haha...hahha... I got you officer Smith ...I got'ya”.... And I point my fingers towards my car ...The side mirror slides down and the camera zooms onto my WIFE sitting inside the car ...“You see officer Smith, do u see that – I m married. I don’t need to be slim anymore. And also, i m loosing my hair too but I won’t care for them – I’ll be a fat-bald moron. . You see, I have got the license for it. Do you have a problem with that? DO YOU ??"

[Saamaaj mein faili ek kureeti ko mitaane ke liye , meri ek chhoti se pehel :-) ]

No one like an IT Girl . .

My dear friend - matrimonial Profile Number - H11390721 came to my place. “Thanks yaar, u didn’t mentioned my real name in your blog”. Said Aniket. “No probs dude, what are friends for? Anyways if I ever want to reveal your name in any blog .It will be for that ‘’special yogasana’’ that u practice at your home ...Till that time I will try to ‘control’. What say man?”

Aniket suddenly looked a little tense – “Yaar, tu toh bura maan gaya. Tu hi toh mera saccha dost hai, mera bhai hai tu”.

Me (grinning) – “So, howz the bride search going man. When do we get to taste the marriage buffet – thats the only time when I turn off my number-counter while eating - paani-puris”.

Aniket- “You’ll get it soon yaar. But I am not able to find any decent proposal yet. Whatever offers I have in my hand - Either she is ‘too big’ for me or kundali-problem or they look very shrewd (maybe their matrimonial profile tone set to – “yakku”, I thought) or they r from IT field”

“Wait –Wait” – I interrupted.. “What was the last bit u said about being in IT? You don’t want a girl from IT field? Is It?”

Aniket- “Ya man, take it from me. U also don’t marry any girl from IT. You will regret it dude”

Me- “Any specific reasons yaar? Why u have this grudge against them? Is it because that maid servant u had that u suspected for stealing your underwears secretly worked for Google?”

Aniket – “TS, what happened to your male ego? Let me explain you, imagine this scenario- when your wife is a non-IT girl. You come late from office”

SCENE 1:
Me – “I m back honey. Whats in for dinner?”
She – “U r late today. Work in office is getting hectic..huh.."
Me – “Yeah. Lots of work sweety. Today I was busy whole day making that traceability-matrix (Sounds like a – fundu-techno-xenophobic thing as if I was designing Brahmos missile in office).
She – “My poor baby ...You work so hard ... Look - I have cooked your favourite dish – Chhole Bhature, And after that I’ll give u a soothing foot massage”
(My Neck turns towards the wall – A big grin on my face. Prem naam hai mera – Prem Chopda).

“Now imagine she is an IT-Girl”

SCENE 2:
Me – “I m back honey. Whats in for dinner?”
She – “U r late today...Again... U r not that brilliant programmer anymore that I married “
Me – “Today I was busy whole day making that traceability-matrix, sweety “
She – “Thats an one page excel sheet – U r getting worthless day by day”
(My Neck turns towards the wall – I m thinking to bang my head against it or better bang hers).

Aniket – “So, dude - Now, tell me the advantages of marrying an IT girl”
Me – “Hmmm ... There’s quite a lot ... How about I tell them in my next Blog” (Ohh man!! bloody hell task to accomplish – can I make a traceability matrix instead :-)

Don't Stop - He is not Human !

“Yeh Sauna Belt pehenne se sirf 2 ghanton meri kamar 2 inch kamm ho gayi. Amazon ke junglalon mein mili avishkaarak jadi-booti adbhut hai” . “Shut that bloody TV off “ – said Ravi. It was 1am and all three of us- Myself(Laxy), Ravi and Jha-ji were still awake. “Lets go on a long ride” – said Jhaji. “Are u nuts, where r we gonna roam in these wee hours” replied Ravi . “C’mon yaar, i know this highway – totally secluded ... We can ride our Pulsars as Bajaj wants us to – Remember their cool ads” – Jhaji has answers to all problems.

Finally Jhaji convinced us and we started our ride. Two bikes and three guys. It was on the outskirts of Hyderabad city. The road was smooth and the only thing we saw were trees , thick jungle and more jungles. The night was chilling and the cold air was rushing quickly giving us goose bumps. We were racing with each other when i saw this thing that made the time froze for me. One very-very old man that looked like a construction worker, wearing a old white vest and a rugged white lungi carrying a cement bag on his shoulders and walking very slowly on the roadside.He didn’t looked anywhere. Just walking straight step by step . Inspite of being so dark , he was so apparently visible as some kind of aura was surrounding him.

Suddenly i felt a very strong smell as if something was burning and it felt like my bike engine was melting and giving away those strong fumes. I accelerated to catch up with Jhaji and asked – “Jhaji, did u noticed something?” ..... To which Jhaji replied- “Chalte raho Laxy, Woh insaan nahi hai !” Those words took the shitt out of me ... “And, yeh smell jo tumko aa rahi hai, woh uski haemin rokni ki chaal hai. Chalte raho Laxy, rukkna matt”. My heartbeat pumped up so much that i wouldnt have stopped the bike even if it exploded.

We raced away with full acceleration and after riding for about 2 hours we noticed a roadside dhaaba. Being so exhausted, we were all game for some chai-paani. We gave our order and as the convertion began with the dhaba owner. We asked him – “Bhaiya, yahan kuch bhoot vagehrah bhi hain kya?” and bhaiyaji replied – “ Yahan ek mazdoor ki maut ho gayi thee electric shock se , so kabhi kabhi woh logon ko dikhta hai” ... Oh my God !! So that wasn’t a mirage.. We all felt relaxed that we came out of it safely ... So we had our tea and snacks. Dhaaba owner too was about to close and pack and go home.

We nearly rode 150km+ and were also dead tired now. And were thinking of the long journey back home. All sitting relaxed on the dhaaba benches and discussing how we just had a near escape. Jhaji was chanting Hanumaan chalisa and all of us felt pretty safe as Jhaji is the religious fellow and knew how to handle these things. So we were also winding up and walking to our bikes parked across the road. And suddenly what we saw - The same old man walking in front of us , carrying the cement bag on his shoulders and walking at near dead pace. Our heart beats - thumping. None of us could shout –we were all out of breath. Body shivering and gasping mouthful of air – we didn’t knew what to do. We were about 100km+ from the place where we spotted him - hows is it possible ! The logical guy inside us was a mute spectator. But somehow we all managed to pull ourselves and reach out to our bikes and rushed like anything back home. That was the scariest night of my life.

[Based on True Story]

Please Login to See Your Bride !

One pop-up just appeared from the corner of the screen - "Abbey, kya kar raha hai? " ... That was my friend Aniket on gtalk ... "Kuch khaas nahi yaar, aise hi orkut pe timepass" was my reply ... so the conversation began and it landed on the most discussed topic nowdays - "Shaadi" ... So, i asked him "Koi bandi mili kya bhai?" ...Aniket said - "Yaar gharwaalon ne profile toh bana dii hai, reply aa toh rahe hain , so we r looking into them " .... Profile !! Replies !!! ... Oye Shaadi.com !! "So, u have registered there?" I asked ... "Nahi yaar, My folks back home have created for me" -said Aniket.

Hmmm...It seems an interesting concept ...I asked-"Tell me how can i see your profile ?"

"H11390721" is my profile-id. U can search from that"-said Aniket..... Oh My God !! Thats - "One crore,thirteen lakh,ninety thousand,seven hundred twenty one" .... Thats like Twice the population of Switzerland ! ... I bet -Given one year , we Indians can make Switzerland thrice its size ! This is one thing India can boast about :-)

Well, after going through Aniket's profile ... I wondered - There's no harm going through some 'good' profiles ;-)... My Brain was shouting and jumping up and down crying out loud - 'Get a life, u loser' ... But i ignored the warning (considering i m from software field) ... So i just keyed in "My Criteria" ;-) and BAMM !! 63 Results found !! Wow man , i thought if i would have been Baadshah Akbar - i could have kept all of them !!! Damnnn it ..Born in the wrong Era !

But what happened to all these girls !!! Have all of them gotten their photo shoot done on the SUN !! Suddenly i remembered FACT NO 1 -- In India-> Fair = Beautiful ; Rest all non-fair people r just bloody Indians . This leads to FACT NO 2 --> India is the one the most Racist country in the world !! But we never accept it !! That escorts us to FACT NO 3 --> We are big time Hypocrites !!

"Big Deal Man !! "- said my blood-pumping organ ... "So they used a bit of photoshop on their photos - Why u making such a fuss about it !! " ... All these girls can keep one karwachaut vrat for the photoshop coder who wrote the algorithm for -``Increasing the Brightness !!!''

Suddenly one of the pic caught my attention - Girl standing and posing in front of a CUBICLE ! "She is one of us !"- shouted the Aorta artery now pumping the RBC's and WBC's at double the pace ... So, i finally clicked on the pic ! And came a surprise - " This profile has been set for registered users viewing only, Please REGISTER !" and opened a Registration page which asked me things like Kundali Yog, Sarp Dosh ... !!! God knows what all crap!! So, that was a brief encounter on one of the most 'Settle'ing sites ;-) .... Who knows i might be one of the creature of that community some day !!! God - Please help me ! Please !! :-)

Aaj Ke Taare

This incident took place a couple of days back. One of our family friends came to our place. One uncle-aunty and their four year old son Aryan (After SRK's son's name- it has become popular I guess) ... So, I got into conversation with this kid with usual questions like - "Beta, aapka naam kya hai?”. "Aap kaunsi class mein padhte ho?" .. And the other regular ones.

Then came a shock with one of the questions! In order to test his English, I asked him “What is your name?" And the reply he gave - "Bhaiya, I just told you a couple of minutes ago. Why r u asking again?" ...Bang!!! A tsunami hit me (Still I wonder who put that extra 't' in that word).. Well coming to the point ... My conversation with him continued in English hence forth.

Then I just asked him casually - "Beta, aap jab mummy-papa se , teachers se aur school mein bhi English mein hi baat karte ho. Aapne hindi kyun seekhi? " And he replied - "Mummy has asked me to talk to our Bai (housemaid) in Hindi" ... (Suddenly I picturized myself as Raamu Kaka serving Aryan baba )... I asked him "Tell me what do u do on a typical day?”... "After coming from school, I do my home-work. I goto Karate Classes then Painting Classes / Guitar classes on alternate days. Then I play on my PS2 and I goto sleep”.... (Flashback - I remembered myself playing on street with cricket bat made of a old broken wooden box plank ... My mother holding and stretching my ears ..'Aaja saara cricket aaj hi khilaun tujhe, home work kaun karega ... chal ghar chal -'naas ki jadd' :-) ....

Dunno what struck me but I felt bad for him .As if his freedom had been taken from him. Maybe it is good for his future, but I feel that it has made him 'soft' physically and mentally. For me, children should run in park, play cricket... fall on ground. Get bruised...get up again and hit the next ball even harder...And if u dont want to talk to them in their mother-tongue... Talk to them in French... U see France has better 'things' that ur child can appreciate later in his life ;-)